1. Next time don't be so cocky. Just because you've had one child already doesn't mean kid #2 will be easier.
2. When you have the choice to return child #1 to bed or let him crawl into your bed just so you can go back to sleep quicker, don't be so lazy. Put him back in his own bed so that when child #2 wakes in your bed at 2AM & decides to stay awake fussing until 4AM you aren't forced to deal with child #1 waking and fussing at the same time.
3. Keep the DVD player & a candy bar by the bed so that when child #1 wakes up 4 hours later and demands cartoons and breakfast and a treat-you're all set & can stay in bed without waking child #2 after so little sleep.
4. Eat breakfast, even if everyone is crying for reasons you don't understand & think will end soon. They won't. The children will continue crying for a looooooooong time. So eat.
5. When you see the cat sniffing dried up grass or gift ribbon, remove those tasty morsels from the area or spend the rest of the day discovering cold wet gloppy mysterious messes under your toes. See above, then you will have the energy to investigate the cat's mysterious interest in said items & prevent the vomit fest.
6. Eat lunch as soon as the baby is calm, even if the laundry needs to be done, bathroom cleaned, bills paid, etc.
7. See above, then when you want to pour a glass of juice you will have both hands. Hanging baby over your shoulder to shakily pour a glass of juice one handed to get out of the massive drop in blood sugar will only result in a mess.
8. Use plastic cups for the above task, so that when someone surprises you by speaking you don't drop the large glass bottle of juice on the glass cup covering the kitchen with shards of glass and sticky juice.
9. Breathe, so that you remember the safety of the baby still hanging out on your shoulder.
10. Buy lots of interesting DVD's for child #1 so that on days when child #2 has colic child #1 remains occupied. Do not leave PG13 DVD's with scary content & impressive packaging around the house at eye level. They will make your life miserable.
11. Do not attempt to hide inappropriate DVD's with one hand while children are screaming for various reasons around you. You might break the phone accidentally rather that consciously throwing it out the door.
12. Just throw the phone out. There's no reason for communication with the outside world on days like this.
13. Do not think about the holiday plans or high school on days like this. You will not make it to the post office today & even if you could you are beautiful with messy unwashed hair & no one from high school should care when they run into you and the screaming fest of children at the post office. Get a grip. You are over 30 now.
14. Squash the stupid spider that frightened you out of getting ahead on laundry the night before a day like this. Being behind on laundry sucks when child #1 has 3 potty accidents in a row. Small accidents, but wet ones necessitating new soft pants because jeans will just not do. Reciting the benefits of getting ahead on diaper or spit up laundry is just plain redundant. Stupid spider & stupid 5 baskets of laundry.
